FICTION
Cw: Rape, Child Abuse.
“Lily” That’s what he says when he wanted to play. “Lily” he says as he touch. “Lily” he says as he kiss and “Lily” he says as he come. I remember how he came up with that name. It was summer and we visited the home of my future stepfather. His family wanted to meet my mom and my mom wanted me to meet them too, but what she didn’t know was that I’d also meet the devil in there. “You remind me of lilies” He said. “So pure, so innocent. And smells nice too” He added as he picked one from their garden. I watched his hands as he did it, and he placed it on my ear. It looked big on my 13-year old head but I didn’t say a thing. I kept watching him for there was something in him that was scary for me. But I like scary. He was danger and I knew it. I didn’t run, I didn’t even flinch, my throat went dry and no sound came out of it as tears fell from my eyes. “I love lilies” He said as he touched me. My mom was so happy when we came back from the garden, she said she’s glad that me and my stepfather’s brother is going along well.
For 5 years, he sent me lilies. Other times are delivered by mail, but usually in person. For 5 years I wondered if my mom knew, I wondered if my stepfather knew, but they would just smile at him and not say anything even when he enters my room with me. “Look at this” He said as he stands up from my bed, and picked one of the lilies he sent me. “This is what would happen if a Lily misbehaves” he added as he gets his lighter and let the flames eat the petal. His eyes always shine so bright when he does this. And he does this every time.
“Tala, let’s go” Ricky pulls me while holding our lunch together. I realized I’ve been thinking of Jamie againโ ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฎ๐ช๐ญ๐ฆ๐ด ๐ข๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด ๐ฎ๐ฆ, ๐ ๐ธ๐ช๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ต ๐ธ๐ช๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ด โ “what’s wrong with you?” I looked around and saw people waiting for us to get the fuck out of the line and so I apologized as I let Ricky drag me to a nearby table. “You’re quiet” He comments. “I’m always quiet” I tell him and looked away for he looks awfully like Jamieโ ๐๐ฆ ๐จ๐ณ๐ช๐ฏ๐ด ๐ข๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ. “๐๐ฉ๐ข๐ต’๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐บ๐ง๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ? ๐๐ฆ ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฌ๐ด ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ข ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ ๐๐ช๐ด๐ฉ” ๐๐ฆ ๐ด๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฆ๐ท๐ฆ๐ณ๐บ ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐บ๐ง๐ณ๐ช๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐’๐ท๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ข๐ฅโ Ricky holds my hand and says “You know, you can always tell me what’s bothering you” I looked him in the eyes, that same jet black eyes, but sees nothing in there that would make me feel something. I leaned against him and he kisses me. I didn’t move. I waited for him to tighten his hold on me, to force me to kiss him back. But he just leaned back. I shouldn’t do this to Ricky, I shouldn’t look for things in him that I only see in Jamie.
After eating, Ricky let his books out and started reading. I always wonder why this guy is obsessed with studying, but I didn’t ask him. My eyes caught another pair of eyes. Eyes that are dark as their soul, eyes that linger and burns, eyes I’m so familiar with. The resemblance with Jamie ends in the eyes. He is a janitor with little to no hair and looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He mops the floor where a person spilled a soda earlier, but instead of looking on what he’s working on, he looks at me. There I was again at the garden, enjoying the variety of flowers and smelling each one of them. Then I felt it. I remember feeling small under his scrutiny. He was like a scientist examining an alien specimen while he watches me. It bothered me, I always thought that maybe if I stopped and came back to my mother, it wouldn’t happen to me. But deep down, I know why I didn’t go back to mom, I know why I let him look at me, It’s because I fucking loved it.
I had no reason why I stood up, why I didn’t even excuse myself, why I went to the janitor’s closet other than I fucking want it. It didn’t take long enough for the janitor to enter the closet and then I saw another resemblance of Jamie. He grins. He knows why I’m here. He tries to talk to me, saying how nobody would notice or hear us here. And while he’s talking, I realize I don’t want this anymore. Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea. Just because he has that same look on his eyes as Jamie when he starts undressing me? Just because he grins like Jamie when I whimper everytime he fucks me dry? I guess he noticed my hesitation and when I’m about to say something, he covered my mouth. I didn’t even try to talk, I know it will all come out muffled. They always do. With his firm grip on my mouth his other hand explored me. His hands were rough as he touches my thighs. His hands went from there to inside of my dress and carressed me. I decided that I don’t like this, that this is wrong. His hand smells horrible and it’s hard for me to breath while he continues covering my face. But his hand snakes up in my panties and touches my clit with his finger, his other fingers tracing my fold. Now, I decided that this is wrong, but I liked it. Not a second later his mouth was on me. “Remove your clothes bitch” He says. And there i was again, liking things I should hate. When I didn’t move right away, he removed it himself. He did it so abruptly that my hand got stuck a little, it should be painful but I moaned instead. That earned a smirk. He trailed wet kisses from my neck to my chest, his hands were on my ass as he kneads it. He then removes my bra and sucked on my breasts. He looks at me while doing it and when I look back at him, I see Jamie’s face. He is handsome, he’s got black hair that looks so soft, and eyes that look rough. He sees me as a toy, and I liked being played with. He made me like it.
“๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต? ๐๐ง ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด๐ฆ ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฅ๐ฐ” ๐๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ฆ ๐ด๐ข๐ช๐ฅ ๐ข๐ง๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ต๐ฐ๐ฏ๐จ๐ถ๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ค๐ญ๐ช๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฅ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฏ. “๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ’๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฐ ๐จ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ. ๐๐ง๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐บ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ด ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ญ๐ญ๐บ ๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ฑ๐ต ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ญ๐ช๐ต๐ต๐ญ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฆ๐ค๐ณ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ณ๐ด. ๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ญ๐ช๐ฌ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด, ๐ฅ๐ฐ๐ฏ’๐ต ๐บ๐ฐ๐ถ?” ๐๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฎ๐ช๐ณ๐ฌ๐ด. “๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ด” ๐๐ฆ ๐ด๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ข๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ด๐ช๐ต๐ช๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด ๐ฉ๐ช๐ด ๐ฅ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต๐ณ๐ข๐ฏ๐ค๐ฆ. “๐ ๐ฐ๐ถ ๐ธ๐ข๐ฏ๐ต ๐ฎ๐ฆ” ๐๐ฆ ๐ด๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ข๐ด ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ฏ๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ๐ด ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐ ๐ญ๐ฆ๐ต ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐ ๐ข๐ญ๐ธ๐ข๐บ๐ด ๐ฅ๐ฐ. ๐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ด๐ต๐ข๐ณ๐ต๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐’๐ฎ ๐ข ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด๐ต๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ณ๐ฆ๐ข๐ต๐ฆ๐ฅ. ๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ธ๐ช๐ต๐ฉ ๐ฉ๐ช๐ฎ, ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฎ๐ข๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ด ๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐’๐ฎ ๐ข๐ฏ ๐ข๐ณ๐ต ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฃ๐ณ๐ถ๐ด๐ฉ.
I came back to reality when the Janitor suddenly ripped my panties. He was moving so fast, like he can’t wait. He holds my leg up with his arm and when he enters me, I thought I was wet enough for it not to hurt. But it still did. I figured it will always hurt. I winced as he thrusts, he was pounding into me so deep and fast that the pain earlier just disappeared as fast as it came. “You little slut” He says as he groans. Jamie never called me a slut. It was always “Lily” I said “Call me Lily” and he Did. While he was moaning my nameโ ๐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ ๐ฐ๐ง ๐ช๐ต ๐ข๐ด ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฏ๐ข๐ฎ๐ฆ ๐ฏ๐ฐ๐ธ. ๐๐ฐ ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ณ๐ฆ ๐๐ข๐ญ๐ข ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ญ๐บ ๐๐ช๐ญ๐บโ I’m thinking about how I don’t want him, how I don’t have any attraction to this man at all. How I don’t want this to happen. But when Jamie came into my life, he made me like things that I don’t want. He made me like the wrongness of what’s happening to me. Is it wrong? Is it bad? Do I like it? Fuck yes. And I hate him for it. I hate how I can’t have a normal relationship. I hate how I always expect someone to force me into doing something and be dissatisfied when they dont. I hate how every fucking second that Jamie is not with me, I crave him. I miss him. I hate him.
I don’t know how I managed to get the pocketknife on my bagโ ๐ ๐ด๐ญ๐ช๐ฅ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฏ๐ฆ๐ธ๐ญ๐บ ๐ฃ๐ฐ๐ถ๐จ๐ฉ๐ต ๐ฑ๐ฐ๐ค๐ฌ๐ฆ๐ต๐ฌ๐ฏ๐ช๐ง๐ฆ ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฃ๐ข๐จ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ช๐ต ๐ต๐ฐ ๐ฑ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฆ๐ค๐ต ๐ฎ๐บ๐ด๐ฆ๐ญ๐ง ๐ง๐ณ๐ฐ๐ฎ ๐๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ฆ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ฐ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ๐ณ ๐ฅ๐ฆ๐ฎ๐ฐ๐ฏ๐ด ๐ต๐ฉ๐ข๐ต ๐ข๐ณ๐ฆ ๐ง๐ณ๐ฆ๐ฆ๐ญ๐บ ๐ณ๐ฐ๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ๐ต๐ฉ. ๐๐ถ๐ต ๐ ๐ธ๐ข๐ด ๐ข๐ญ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ต๐ฉ๐ช๐ฏ๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ธ ๐ช๐ต ๐ธ๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ด๐ฐ ๐ง๐ถ๐ค๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ๐จ ๐ฉ๐ฐ๐ต ๐ช๐ง ๐๐ข๐ฎ๐ช๐ฆ ๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ๐ฅ ๐ช๐ต ๐ฐ๐ฏ ๐ฎ๐ฆ. ๐๐ข๐บ๐ฃ๐ฆ ๐ฉ๐ฆ ๐ค๐ฐ๐ถ๐ญ๐ฅ ๐ต๐ฆ๐ข๐ณ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ด๐ฌ๐ช๐ฏ ๐ฐ๐ฑ๐ฆ๐ฏ, ๐ญ๐ช๐ค๐ฌ ๐ฎ๐บ ๐ฃ๐ญ๐ฐ๐ฐ๐ฅ ๐ข๐ฏ๐ฅ ๐ถ๐ด๐ฆ ๐ช๐ต ๐ข๐ด ๐ญ๐ถ๐ฃ๐ฆโ
The next moment happened fast. I thought when you stab someone you really need to do it with all your force to really penetrate the body. But it was like stick on marshmallow. I did it again, and again and again. And as I did it, I see Jamie’s face on him. His dick was still in me and it slides off as he leaned on me, unmoving. It wasn’t completely out and still hard, so I positioned it with my hands and tried to move my hips. “Fuck” I moaned breathlessly. I feel his blood dripping on me and I placed his hands on my tits. “Oooh” I can’t help myself. It was so wrong. It was so good. His dick started to soften so I moved my hips faster. Then I felt it. I came so hard I almost couldn’t stand. I feel like I was vibrating. I was shaking as I came, his dick still inside me.
I closed my eyes and I was shocked to see no one. Usually when I do this, I see Jamie’s face. Now he’s dead to me. I am not Lily. That is not my name. And it’s true, cause as I walked out of that place, out of that life, the name that circulates now in town is not Lily, it’s not Lily who killed a janitor in his closet. It was not Lily on the news. It was not Lily that everyone is now hating and trying to find . It was me, Tala. Not Lily.