Cw: Rape, Child Abuse.
“Lily” That’s what he says when he wanted to play. “Lily” he says as he touch. “Lily” he says as he kiss and “Lily” he says as he come. I remember how he came up with that name. It was summer and we visited the home of my future stepfather. His family wanted to meet my mom and my mom wanted me to meet them too, but what she didn’t know was that I’d also meet the devil in there. “You remind me of lilies” He said. “So pure, so innocent. And smells nice too” He added as he picked one from their garden. I watched his hands as he did it, and he placed it on my ear. It looked big on my 13-year old head but I didn’t say a thing. I kept watching him for there was something in him that was scary for me. But I like scary. He was danger and I knew it. I didn’t run, I didn’t even flinch, my throat went dry and no sound came out of it as tears fell from my eyes. “I love lilies” He said as he touched me. My mom was so happy when we came back from the garden, she said she’s glad that me and my stepfather’s brother is going along well.
For 5 years, he sent me lilies. Other times are delivered by mail, but usually in person. For 5 years I wondered if my mom knew, I wondered if my stepfather knew, but they would just smile at him and not say anything even when he enters my room with me. “Look at this” He said as he stands up from my bed, and picked one of the lilies he sent me. “This is what would happen if a Lily misbehaves” he added as he gets his lighter and let the flames eat the petal. His eyes always shine so bright when he does this. And he does this every time.
“Tala, let’s go” Ricky pulls me while holding our lunch together. I realized I’ve been thinking of Jamie again— 𝘩𝘦 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘭𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘮𝘦, 𝘐 𝘸𝘪𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘴 — “what’s wrong with you?” I looked around and saw people waiting for us to get the fuck out of the line and so I apologized as I let Ricky drag me to a nearby table. “You’re quiet” He comments. “I’m always quiet” I tell him and looked away for he looks awfully like Jamie— 𝘏𝘦 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘴 𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘦. “𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵’𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥? 𝘏𝘦 𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘢 𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘮𝘦 𝘰𝘳𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘞𝘪𝘴𝘩” 𝘏𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘺𝘧𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐’𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘥— Ricky holds my hand and says “You know, you can always tell me what’s bothering you” I looked him in the eyes, that same jet black eyes, but sees nothing in there that would make me feel something. I leaned against him and he kisses me. I didn’t move. I waited for him to tighten his hold on me, to force me to kiss him back. But he just leaned back. I shouldn’t do this to Ricky, I shouldn’t look for things in him that I only see in Jamie.
After eating, Ricky let his books out and started reading. I always wonder why this guy is obsessed with studying, but I didn’t ask him. My eyes caught another pair of eyes. Eyes that are dark as their soul, eyes that linger and burns, eyes I’m so familiar with. The resemblance with Jamie ends in the eyes. He is a janitor with little to no hair and looked like he hadn’t slept in days. He mops the floor where a person spilled a soda earlier, but instead of looking on what he’s working on, he looks at me. There I was again at the garden, enjoying the variety of flowers and smelling each one of them. Then I felt it. I remember feeling small under his scrutiny. He was like a scientist examining an alien specimen while he watches me. It bothered me, I always thought that maybe if I stopped and came back to my mother, it wouldn’t happen to me. But deep down, I know why I didn’t go back to mom, I know why I let him look at me, It’s because I fucking loved it.
I had no reason why I stood up, why I didn’t even excuse myself, why I went to the janitor’s closet other than I fucking want it. It didn’t take long enough for the janitor to enter the closet and then I saw another resemblance of Jamie. He grins. He knows why I’m here. He tries to talk to me, saying how nobody would notice or hear us here. And while he’s talking, I realize I don’t want this anymore. Why the fuck did I think this was a good idea. Just because he has that same look on his eyes as Jamie when he starts undressing me? Just because he grins like Jamie when I whimper everytime he fucks me dry? I guess he noticed my hesitation and when I’m about to say something, he covered my mouth. I didn’t even try to talk, I know it will all come out muffled. They always do. With his firm grip on my mouth his other hand explored me. His hands were rough as he touches my thighs. His hands went from there to inside of my dress and carressed me. I decided that I don’t like this, that this is wrong. His hand smells horrible and it’s hard for me to breath while he continues covering my face. But his hand snakes up in my panties and touches my clit with his finger, his other fingers tracing my fold. Now, I decided that this is wrong, but I liked it. Not a second later his mouth was on me. “Remove your clothes bitch” He says. And there i was again, liking things I should hate. When I didn’t move right away, he removed it himself. He did it so abruptly that my hand got stuck a little, it should be painful but I moaned instead. That earned a smirk. He trailed wet kisses from my neck to my chest, his hands were on my ass as he kneads it. He then removes my bra and sucked on my breasts. He looks at me while doing it and when I look back at him, I see Jamie’s face. He is handsome, he’s got black hair that looks so soft, and eyes that look rough. He sees me as a toy, and I liked being played with. He made me like it.
“𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵? 𝘖𝘧 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘰” 𝘑𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘪𝘥 𝘢𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘩𝘦 𝘧𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘥 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘵𝘰𝘯𝘨𝘶𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘤𝘭𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘮𝘢𝘥𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘢𝘯. “𝘠𝘰𝘶’𝘳𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘨𝘰𝘰𝘥. 𝘈𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘬𝘦𝘱𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘵𝘭𝘦 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘰𝘶𝘳𝘴. 𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘭𝘪𝘬𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴, 𝘥𝘰𝘯’𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶?” 𝘏𝘦 𝘴𝘮𝘪𝘳𝘬𝘴. “𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘯𝘦𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴” 𝘏𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘰𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘥𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘦. “𝘠𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘵 𝘮𝘦” 𝘏𝘦 𝘴𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘭𝘦𝘵 𝘩𝘪𝘮 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘥𝘰. 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘴𝘵𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐’𝘮 𝘢 𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘩𝘪𝘮, 𝘩𝘦 𝘮𝘢𝘬𝘦𝘴 𝘮𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘐’𝘮 𝘢𝘯 𝘢𝘳𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘳𝘶𝘴𝘩.
I came back to reality when the Janitor suddenly ripped my panties. He was moving so fast, like he can’t wait. He holds my leg up with his arm and when he enters me, I thought I was wet enough for it not to hurt. But it still did. I figured it will always hurt. I winced as he thrusts, he was pounding into me so deep and fast that the pain earlier just disappeared as fast as it came. “You little slut” He says as he groans. Jamie never called me a slut. It was always “Lily” I said “Call me Lily” and he Did. While he was moaning my name– 𝘐 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬 𝘰𝘧 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘢𝘮𝘦 𝘯𝘰𝘸. 𝘕𝘰 𝘮𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘛𝘢𝘭𝘢 𝘰𝘯𝘭𝘺 𝘓𝘪𝘭𝘺– I’m thinking about how I don’t want him, how I don’t have any attraction to this man at all. How I don’t want this to happen. But when Jamie came into my life, he made me like things that I don’t want. He made me like the wrongness of what’s happening to me. Is it wrong? Is it bad? Do I like it? Fuck yes. And I hate him for it. I hate how I can’t have a normal relationship. I hate how I always expect someone to force me into doing something and be dissatisfied when they dont. I hate how every fucking second that Jamie is not with me, I crave him. I miss him. I hate him.
I don’t know how I managed to get the pocketknife on my bag— 𝘐 𝘴𝘭𝘪𝘥 𝘮𝘺 𝘯𝘦𝘸𝘭𝘺 𝘣𝘰𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵 𝘱𝘰𝘤𝘬𝘦𝘵𝘬𝘯𝘪𝘧𝘦 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘢𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘐 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘵𝘰 𝘱𝘳𝘰𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘵 𝘮𝘺𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘧𝘳𝘰𝘮 𝘑𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘦𝘮𝘰𝘯𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘢𝘳𝘦 𝘧𝘳𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘺 𝘳𝘰𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘵𝘩. 𝘉𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘸 𝘪𝘵 𝘸𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘣𝘦 𝘴𝘰 𝘧𝘶𝘤𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘰𝘵 𝘪𝘧 𝘑𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘦 𝘶𝘴𝘦𝘥 𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘯 𝘮𝘦. 𝘔𝘢𝘺𝘣𝘦 𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘵𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘮𝘺 𝘴𝘬𝘪𝘯 𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘯, 𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘬 𝘮𝘺 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘰𝘥 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘶𝘴𝘦 𝘪𝘵 𝘢𝘴 𝘭𝘶𝘣𝘦—
The next moment happened fast. I thought when you stab someone you really need to do it with all your force to really penetrate the body. But it was like stick on marshmallow. I did it again, and again and again. And as I did it, I see Jamie’s face on him. His dick was still in me and it slides off as he leaned on me, unmoving. It wasn’t completely out and still hard, so I positioned it with my hands and tried to move my hips. “Fuck” I moaned breathlessly. I feel his blood dripping on me and I placed his hands on my tits. “Oooh” I can’t help myself. It was so wrong. It was so good. His dick started to soften so I moved my hips faster. Then I felt it. I came so hard I almost couldn’t stand. I feel like I was vibrating. I was shaking as I came, his dick still inside me.
I closed my eyes and I was shocked to see no one. Usually when I do this, I see Jamie’s face. Now he’s dead to me. I am not Lily. That is not my name. And it’s true, cause as I walked out of that place, out of that life, the name that circulates now in town is not Lily, it’s not Lily who killed a janitor in his closet. It was not Lily on the news. It was not Lily that everyone is now hating and trying to find . It was me, Tala. Not Lily.